Wednesday, December 29, 2010

1.5 days!



Well it's officially 1.5 days til I'm off! Pretty crazy! I'm enjoying my "pre NYE" with a bit of champagne.... or a LOT of champagne. ;-) But hey.... I don't really get a NYE or a New Years Day..... so cut me some slack. I leave here at noon... my flight takes off from JFK at 4:45pm, I depart LA at 11:55pm and it's a 14.5 hour flight to Brisbane Australia.... to which I then have another 3 hour layover and another 2.5 hour flight to Melbourne. So I am enjoying my champagne tonight to toast myself to a new year, a new job, a new country, a new path, and a new me. Some of you may or may not know that this year has been exceedingly difficult for me on many levels. I will say that 2010 may have been the hardest year of my life.... and I know that may sound naive coming from a 27 year old.... but it's true.... and I'll leave it at that. This year is going to be different because I am MAKING it happen. I am taking hold of my own reins and taking my life and my wants/needs into priority. There will be good days and bad.... but it's my time now. My world.... my life! BRING IT 2011! I'M READY!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

18 Days........

So lots of time has passed since my last entry and a lot has happened. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of emotions. BUT it is officially 18 days! 18 days and I will touch down in Melbourne Australia. Pretty insane to think about. I think I have everything in order. Got my int'l driver's license, Australian cash, opened and deposited money into my Australian bank account, took out basic health ins, put everything in storage, said my goodbyes, and will be staying with the AMAZING Hannah Burville and her family for the first few weeks until I get myself situated. I feel so lucky and grateful to have them open their home to me without m even asking! It's something I don't have to stress about, and that is a HUGE deal! Once I get there, I need to get a cell phone, figure out my internet, and submit for my tax ID number. I also need to get into the bank to prove my identification and get my debit card. I also will apply and hopefully set up some interviews for jobs and check out places to sublet. It'll be nice to explore the city and do a bit of traveling before I start a job.... so I guess I'll have a good 2 weeks to do all that.

Anyway, I've decided to make this my blog to keep people in the loop. That way, if you want to read it, you can! And if you don't, you don't have to! :-D I'll probably send out an emailer here and there..... but I don't want to annoy people with boring stuff like "I hugged a koala today!" unless you want to know! :-D

Soooooo I think that's about it here. 2.5 weeks now! AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xoxo

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Love/Hate

I'm sitting here in Rita's apartment on 110th and Broadway sipping my venti nonfat pumpkin spice latte with the windows wide open. Below there's a huge street fair going on... expanding from 110-116th Streets. I guess it's called "The Upper Broadway Fall Festival". I can hear a Beetles cover band playing... which aside from the cool breeze rushing through the apartment, gives me another lovely reason to keep the windows open. It's times like this when I wake up to a beautiful crisp autumn day, throw on my flip flops, and walk down the street to grab some starbucks in my pjs, and come back to hear a beetles cover band playing right outside my window that makes me fall in love with this city all over again. I have such a love/hate relationship with you New York. The days where it's pouring rain, the trains are overcrowded and running ever so slow, the cab drivers running you over and honking to wake you at 4am, the pavements smelling of stale beer and urine, paying $3 for a bottle of water... make me hate you so. BUT then you pull days like this out of your pocket and I am in heaven.... simply sitting in a small studio apartment... and I fall for you all over again. You really know how to fuck with me. You push me so I'm nearly teetering on the ledge with only my pinky toe hanging on for dear life.... and then you grab me, wrap me up in a big blanket, and hold me tight.

I learned an important lesson last night from my big brother Roger. "Love is suppose to feel good". Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I think I forget that I do deserve more. That maybe what I think it good enough... isn't really so. That I can do better and I should have better. I love New York... BUT I need something different at the moment. I need to feel like I can conquer the world first. I need to feel good, important, intelligent, respected. I need to know and remember that I can do what I want. That I am worth so much more than I think I am. I know it sounds crazy and it probably is... but I need to find myself. I never thought I'd say that, but I know it's what I need. I need to try, explore, do crazy things to realize what I want. I just need some time away from New York to realize if it's TRULY what I want. I have never thought about anything/place other than acting in NYC and I think after all these years... while it is a dream, I don't feel the passion I once had. Maybe I've been away from the stage for too long, maybe I'm realizing it's not all it's cracked up to be... I don't know. What I do know, is I need some ME time and that's my final word. It's about ME.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

There's No Place Like OZ

So at 12:45pm on Monday September 20th 2010, I booked my flight to Melbourne Australia. My flight is below:


Depart: 4:45 PM | New York, NY (JFK)
Arrive: 20:20 PM | Los Angeles, CA (LAX)


Depart: 23:55 PM | Los Angeles, CA (LAX)
Arrive: Sun 02 Jan 2011 8:00 AM | Brisbane (BNE)

Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2011
Depart: 11:00 AM | Brisbane (BNE)
Arrive: 14:25 PM | Melbourne (MEL)

So there it is... on December 31st 2010 I will be on my way. It seems so surreal. I won't have a January 1st 2011 either... which is kinda weird, but it just worked out for the best. Since it was so cheap to fly on NYE and it lands me in on Sunday the 2nd, which means it will be a lot easier for someone to pick me up when it's not NYE, or the 1st (hangover day), and yet it's still a weekend so nobody's working.

So this is it! I got approved for my visa on Thursday August 26th 2010. I had been looking at flights and prices for a loooong time and I can't believe what an insanely cheap price I got! I booked the flight from NYC to LA separate from the LA to MEL flight because it was like $250 cheaper. Because I had a like $19 credit from Chase for using my debit (gotta love rewards) my flight from JFK to LA was about $170. My flight from LA to MEL was$747.95 for a GRAND TOTAL of: $918!!!!!! I'm very excited, but I'm also getting anxious and a bit nervous. Just a lot to get done and the fact that it's done, set in stone. Which means I have 3 months to figure out where I'm gonna stay initially, job interviews set up, pack, get stuff in storage, let Neil know, say my goodbyes, get things like an international driver's permit, tax ID number, bank account, and cell phone as soon as I enter the country, sign up for health ins. and I can't even think of what else... BUT I think I'm in a really good place right now. I'm just still in freak out mode! AHHHHHHH!!!!! 3 MONTHS!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

"The taking of one innocent life is like taking all of Mankind... and the saving of one life is like saving all of Mankind" - Holy Qur'an, 5:33

This whole burning of the Qur'an ticks me off to no end! So yes, I'm about to jump back on my soap box.

What the hell is wrong with this Terry Jones. I'm embarrassed to be from Florida... let alone The United States of America. I don't give a shit that he has the "right" to do it. It is so far from being acceptable it makes my blood rush. The thought of it gets me so insane. I don't think Terry Jones and his church of 30 people in Gainesville Florida, would be ok if I started burning the New Testament because of what the KKK did. I also don't want to hear his crap about "it being his message from God". NO! Sorry! Not buying that! Just as he's not buying into that some terrorists said it was Allah's will to drive planes into the towers. Not that I believe this... but how does he know that wasn't the devil trying to get him to eff up the world worse than it already is?!

I'd like to ask Terry Jones if he had read the Qur'an. Has he even read his own bible? I'm not so sure. He seems to think that the Qur'an teaches violence. Well, A. it doesn't... if he actually read it and B. there's quit a bit of violence in his own bible. How about "an eye for an eye"? Look... there's a LOT I don't know... and what can I say... religion fascinates me. But this is just revolting. I don't think I can blog on this anymore because I am so angry. My thoughts are going 1000 miles an hour, my blood is racing, and I just realized my foot is tapping insanely fast cause I'm all heated right now. I just had to bring to the table how f'ed up this is.

Thank you Terry Jones... for making me hate ignorant people even more, I never thought it was possible... congrats! You proved me wrong!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Get Yourself Heard

Get myself heard... that sounds nice. It has a nice ring to it. "Get"... as in going as in doing something. "Yourself"... as in me, as in myself, as in I. "Heard"... as in comprehend, as in understood, as in listened to.

The thing is... I am FINALLY listening to myself. I'm hearing what my heart has to say. I have always listened to everyone else in this world. Trying to be perfect for everyone. The perfect student, the perfect employee, the perfect family member, the perfect friend, the perfect everything. I am always trying to make sure I not only please everyone but I have this need to be perfect for everyone except myself. My needs, wants, dreams, ambitions, loves have fallen to the wayside because I was too worried about everyone else. I can't tell you WHY I have chosen the path I have. I could try to explain my heart, my head... but you won't hear me. You won't hear me if you've got earmuffs over your ears and your heart. I want to be heard. Heard for what I REALLY have to say. Not for what everyone wants me to say. I'm not perfect and I'm tired of trying to be. I need to fuck up. I need to fuck up on my own terms. I need people to be my support system. Support and love me and be my safety net. Because I very well may not be that perfect person for myself that I have try so hard to be for everyone else.

I am 27 years old and I need to start living for ME. For nobody else. I AM smart, I AM ambitious, I AM strong, I AM resourceful, I AM one of the hardest workers ever. I will not allow myself to fail. I have people in my life who will be there for me no matter what, no matter when, and no matter how much I fuck up. I know I will never be destitute. Every day I am grateful for those people. I just wish EVERYONE could be that supportive and be holding onto that net telling me how brave they think I am for taking a leap of faith. THAT is what I need. And THAT is what I'm asking be heard.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

O'er the land of the FREE?

I've been reading a lot in the papers all this controversy about Obama and the mosque that will be NEAR Ground Zero. Here's my thoughts.........

First, let's look at the facts. The mosque is planning to be built 2 blocks and around the corner from Ground Zero. In fact... when you are physically at Ground Zero you can't even SEE the mosque... you have to walk down the street to physically see it. You don't even go by it with public transpo... (so you're basically LOOKING for it to run into it). Also for anyone who has been to NYC, you can understand that walking 2 blocks is an altogether NEW location from the 2 blocks you were standing in prior. Manhattan is a small island with nearly everything packed in.

Now for my soap box......

This is freakin The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! HOME OF THE FREEEEEE! Aren't we suppose to be the nation who embraces ALL? All colors, kinds, religions, etc? People from all over the world are suppose to look upon us as a "role model" so to say. How can we as Americans be good role models by shunning other cultures? The mosque isn't a training ground for terrorists. Those who are looking to build the mosque, are doing so as a place of worship... and in hopes of building, not just a physical foundation, but a foundation that is more understood by so many of us who have such a hatred towards them from 9/11. It wasn't the MUSLIM who drove those planes into those buildings. It was TERRORISTS. People who have hate in their soul. It isn't CHRISTIANITY who wears white cloaks thinking the world should be rid of Jews and Blacks... it's the KKK. People who have hate in their soul. How can we go ahead and judge an entire Nationality on some "bad people"? Terrorists are sick... they have caused every single person in this country (and many others) grief and (for lack of better terms) hell, but by turning our own anger towards hating an entire culture isn't the answer.

On the other hand... what does bother me is that there IS so much controversy over this. I understand it is their right to build a mosque wherever they choose (and as stated, I am clearly ALL for it). I just wish that maybe they could be a BIT more sensitive. People are forever scarred loosing husbands, wives, children, etc in such an unimaginable tragedy that is about to come up on it's ten year anniversary. It is still a new wound. It is still wide open. It is still stinging peoples hearts and souls. I think instead of pushing for this, they should let up a bit. I get it... I really do, but I don't know that pushing for something that SHOULD be a warm, happy, welcoming place in a location that has caused so much grief is the best answer. Showing the rest of America what wonderful people Muslims are IS the right answer... I just don't think that by pushing for this location is. I think (just like everything in this world) people need to be "eased" into "new"... new ideas, new beliefs, change. It is no surprise most people don't deal well with change and this IS a change for the BETTER... but we also need to use "kid gloves" with change.

I'm not even going to get started with Obama and what his religious affiliations are. Because I might hit the roof. WHO FREAKIN CARES! I don't believe religion and politics should EVER be mixed. PERIOD! So why does it matter WHAT he believes?! Lets just get back to fixing our country's REAL problems on hatred, the oil leak, global warming, our education, taxes, medicare, healthcare, o and maybe.... OUR ECONOMY! Let's fix things that really matter and stop hating our neighbors who aren't terrorists, but people who believe in love and peace and just want to be accepted like everyone else in this world.

Monday, August 2, 2010

"You must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart instead."

I haven't written in a while. I'm not sure why. Anyway, yesterday, I started to read "Eat, Pray, Love". I bought the book a few years back, but never got around to reading it. When I went to see "Inception" they played the trailer for the upcoming movie with Julia Roberts and I sat in awe. I didn't know what it was about... and just watching the trailer made me tear up. Obviously, I'm not going through a divorce, but I couldn't help but feel the same way. Like my life isn't what I want it to be... what it should be and why shouldn't it be? I shouldn't be forced to live a life that people think is "acceptable" what you're "suppose to be doing". I hold the paint brush, not anyone else. Sometimes I have a problem with just that. I tend to do what I'm "suppose to", what everyone think I should be doing, living my life for everyone else, making sure everyone else can breathe easy. It shouldn't matter what people think of my decisions. They're mine. Right, wrong, whatever. Maybe they're not the right decisions for everybody. Maybe I will make some mistakes... but they're mine to make. I'm tired of living my life in a box. I want to color outside the lines. I don't want to connect the dots. I want to draw my own picture without dots or color by number. I want to splatter the paint! I don't want a bit of my canvas untouched!

I have an appointment with a Talent Management Wednesday for commercials, tv, and film. I'm still perservering that aspect of my life. I never want to stop. I do have other dreams and ambitions though. I want a lot of things. Maybe that's greedy... maybe that's selfish... but ya know what... it's my canvas.

Friday, July 9, 2010

"Home is not where you live, but where they understand you."

I arrived home last night. Mom, dad, and Jar were actually all at the airport to greet me. By the time we got back to the house, I was exhausted... but from the moment I walked through the front door I felt a sigh of relief. I don't know if it's the way my mom decorates, the wonderful smell of yankee candles in each room, or the memories I have of doing pirouettes across the kitchen floor... but it's home. It's the one place in the world where I can fall apart without worrying about how to pick myself up, the one place in the world where I can screw up to no end and I will still be loved, the one place in the world where I just don't worry period. I can let it all out... regroup. Don't get me wrong, I'd LOOOOOVE me some million dollar vacation... but when I need to escape, when I need to refocus, when I need to figure things out... there's no better place.

We all have our faults. My family can drive me insane! But my mom, dad, and brother are my world. I can't live without them. We have all been through hell and pulled each other out. We're not a large family. There's four of us... and there always has been. But we're strong for that. We have this bond between us that is unimaginable. We're almost like our own little mafia :-) You don't mess with a Bishop or you have to deal with the other three.

This house is my home. It always will be... but more so, this family is my home. Whether we're in Boston, New Hampshire, Maine, Florida, wherever we are... when I am with them, I am home. I cannot thank my lucky stars enough. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow or the day after that... but one thing I do know is that home will never be far away. Even if I end up over the rainbow... in a place called OZ... I know all I have to do is pick up the phone and I will be home. Because home is my family... not a foundation, not a place. And one thing's for damn sure... there really is NO place like home.

Monday, July 5, 2010

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” - James Dean

I've never actually given too much thought to James Dean. I knew he died quite young and did a few movies... but really I could have cared less. I found this quote by him some time ago and decided it was time to read a bit on him.

James Dean was only 24 when he died from a car crash. He had one hell of a life and when people over come certain obstacles, that I don't know how I would handle, I have a great deal of respect. I'm not going to go on and on about his life, but to me, I have a new found respect for him and am quite interested to see his work. Knowing how fast he progressed as a person and actor. I will always wonder what would have happened if he was given more years. How his life and career would have evolved.

24 years old. I'm three years older than the day his life ended. My brother is about 3 years younger. Thinking about what I've accomplished, even now doesn't say much. James Dean didn't give a second thought to the bad cards he was dealt. James Dean didn't sit back and say "well this is the way it's going to be". James Dean didn't sit and think. James Dean lived.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” That's not only what he said... he did it. Living as if all hopes, desires, dreams, money, possessions, love all ends by midnight tonight. I know it's a crazy thought. I know we can't all pick up today and go live our lives the way our inner most desires want us to, but really... why not? Maybe we can't make everything happen today or tomorrow... but what's stopping all of us from really going after what we want? The only thing we take with us when we die is what we did with our lives. We take with us the journeys, the memories, the love in our hearts for our family, friends, and lovers. We take with us the accomplishments. We take with us the regrets... why would ANYONE want to take regrets? Yet, we do. Probably because it always looks like we can't pick up from our normal, safe, secure positions we are in life. We're scared. We're scared we will fail. We're scared we will succeed. I don't know about all of you, but I look at it all and I know I'll never fail. I may fall down. I may fall hard. I may break some bones, tear some skin, and have one hell of a scar. But scars are just a healed reminder of what happened. A scar is on the surface like a wrinkle on your face. It's there so that when someone says to you "what happened there?", you can tell them the story of what you went out to do and how you overcame and eventually accomplished what you wanted most in the world.

We tell our friends, our lovers, our children that they can go out and do anything and everything they want. That their dreams are in the palm of their hands. Well aren't ours? Why do we believe it true for everyone else but ourselves? We deserve our inner most dreams and desires too! I think we all need to stop giving ourselves excuses about money, jobs, security, ties, etc and just jump! I think we all need to take heed from James Dean... who at the age of 24 knew more about living and life than the majority of us. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring... so why not? All we know is what we have right now, right this second. I think we all need to "dream as if we'll live forever.... and live as if we'll die today."

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Time is the cruelest teacher; first she gives the test, then teaches the lesson.

Tomorrow will be the 6 month mark. Half of 2010 has already passed. It's been quite an interesting year already to say the least. It may appear on the surface I haven't accomplished much... but looking at the person I was a year ago, even 6 months ago is a very different person. I learned a lot... I learned about others, myself, what I truly want, where I'm headed, and what I need to change to grasp everything I want. I use to think maybe you couldn't have it all. Love, a career, a family, and just being completely happy. I take that back. I think it is possible... it's just not the Disney "Happily Ever After". There isn't a time line. When I was little, I thought you had to have it all by 25. A career, married, kids, and a big white bow tying it all up into one. It doesn't work that way. I don't need to have it all figured out right now. I don't need to be married or have the career or the family (and thank God because I'd be MAJORLY behind). I can't keep beating myself up for mistakes or things that have happened. Not that I ever regret anything (because I don't believe in regrets) but I do get down on myself for where I am currently in life.

In these 6 months, I've learned so much. I finally grasped that this is my life. I don't need to have it all at this second. So what I don't have the killer career I want just yet... it will happen. Yes, I want a family... but I'm not ready... and that's ok, because it will happen. I am a good person and people have taken advantage of that... but I've cut a lot of poison out of my life and made some major life changing decisions recently. This is MY life... so why am I so worried about disappointing everyone else? Why do I waste my entire being, soul, and everything I have inside me on making everyone else happy? Who's making me happy? Who's looking out for what I want? Who's chasing my dreams?

This is my life. My world. I can do and have anything I want. Nobody's stopping me except myself. There's so many things I want to do, see, experience, conquer in this world and I deserve that. So if my life didn't/doesn't pan out the way I thought it would when I was five, that's ok. I had always dreamed as a kid I would grow up and marry Prince William and become Her Royal Highness Princess Makayla Tara Bishop of Wales. :-) Things change... dreams change... but everything I TRULY want in life is within my grasp. So I made a life changing decision and I'm going for it all! Because I deserve it all. These next 6 months of 2010 are full on! There's no looking back! The past is staying right where it is... in the past. The future... well, that's all mine and nobody can take that away. I've got 6 months to make it happen... and I will!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Wise words of George Carlin

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen!

I'm sitting here on the couch watching some David Blaine street magic on the Travel Channel. What I love about magic is that it makes everyone smile and believe in the impossible. It doesn't matter what age, race, ethnicity, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or even what language you speak. Magic is a language and emotion we all can share. We all smile, we all laugh, and we all start to think that maybe ... just maybe... anything is truly possible if we just believe.