Love/Hate

I'm sitting here in Rita's apartment on 110th and Broadway sipping my venti nonfat pumpkin spice latte with the windows wide open. Below there's a huge street fair going on... expanding from 110-116th Streets. I guess it's called "The Upper Broadway Fall Festival". I can hear a Beetles cover band playing... which aside from the cool breeze rushing through the apartment, gives me another lovely reason to keep the windows open. It's times like this when I wake up to a beautiful crisp autumn day, throw on my flip flops, and walk down the street to grab some starbucks in my pjs, and come back to hear a beetles cover band playing right outside my window that makes me fall in love with this city all over again. I have such a love/hate relationship with you New York. The days where it's pouring rain, the trains are overcrowded and running ever so slow, the cab drivers running you over and honking to wake you at 4am, the pavements smelling of stale beer and urine, paying $3 for a bottle of water... make me hate you so. BUT then you pull days like this out of your pocket and I am in heaven.... simply sitting in a small studio apartment... and I fall for you all over again. You really know how to fuck with me. You push me so I'm nearly teetering on the ledge with only my pinky toe hanging on for dear life.... and then you grab me, wrap me up in a big blanket, and hold me tight.

I learned an important lesson last night from my big brother Roger. "Love is suppose to feel good". Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I think I forget that I do deserve more. That maybe what I think it good enough... isn't really so. That I can do better and I should have better. I love New York... BUT I need something different at the moment. I need to feel like I can conquer the world first. I need to feel good, important, intelligent, respected. I need to know and remember that I can do what I want. That I am worth so much more than I think I am. I know it sounds crazy and it probably is... but I need to find myself. I never thought I'd say that, but I know it's what I need. I need to try, explore, do crazy things to realize what I want. I just need some time away from New York to realize if it's TRULY what I want. I have never thought about anything/place other than acting in NYC and I think after all these years... while it is a dream, I don't feel the passion I once had. Maybe I've been away from the stage for too long, maybe I'm realizing it's not all it's cracked up to be... I don't know. What I do know, is I need some ME time and that's my final word. It's about ME.