"Home is not where you live, but where they understand you."

I arrived home last night. Mom, dad, and Jar were actually all at the airport to greet me. By the time we got back to the house, I was exhausted... but from the moment I walked through the front door I felt a sigh of relief. I don't know if it's the way my mom decorates, the wonderful smell of yankee candles in each room, or the memories I have of doing pirouettes across the kitchen floor... but it's home. It's the one place in the world where I can fall apart without worrying about how to pick myself up, the one place in the world where I can screw up to no end and I will still be loved, the one place in the world where I just don't worry period. I can let it all out... regroup. Don't get me wrong, I'd LOOOOOVE me some million dollar vacation... but when I need to escape, when I need to refocus, when I need to figure things out... there's no better place.

We all have our faults. My family can drive me insane! But my mom, dad, and brother are my world. I can't live without them. We have all been through hell and pulled each other out. We're not a large family. There's four of us... and there always has been. But we're strong for that. We have this bond between us that is unimaginable. We're almost like our own little mafia :-) You don't mess with a Bishop or you have to deal with the other three.

This house is my home. It always will be... but more so, this family is my home. Whether we're in Boston, New Hampshire, Maine, Florida, wherever we are... when I am with them, I am home. I cannot thank my lucky stars enough. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow or the day after that... but one thing I do know is that home will never be far away. Even if I end up over the rainbow... in a place called OZ... I know all I have to do is pick up the phone and I will be home. Because home is my family... not a foundation, not a place. And one thing's for damn sure... there really is NO place like home.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” - James Dean

I've never actually given too much thought to James Dean. I knew he died quite young and did a few movies... but really I could have cared less. I found this quote by him some time ago and decided it was time to read a bit on him.

James Dean was only 24 when he died from a car crash. He had one hell of a life and when people over come certain obstacles, that I don't know how I would handle, I have a great deal of respect. I'm not going to go on and on about his life, but to me, I have a new found respect for him and am quite interested to see his work. Knowing how fast he progressed as a person and actor. I will always wonder what would have happened if he was given more years. How his life and career would have evolved.

24 years old. I'm three years older than the day his life ended. My brother is about 3 years younger. Thinking about what I've accomplished, even now doesn't say much. James Dean didn't give a second thought to the bad cards he was dealt. James Dean didn't sit back and say "well this is the way it's going to be". James Dean didn't sit and think. James Dean lived.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” That's not only what he said... he did it. Living as if all hopes, desires, dreams, money, possessions, love all ends by midnight tonight. I know it's a crazy thought. I know we can't all pick up today and go live our lives the way our inner most desires want us to, but really... why not? Maybe we can't make everything happen today or tomorrow... but what's stopping all of us from really going after what we want? The only thing we take with us when we die is what we did with our lives. We take with us the journeys, the memories, the love in our hearts for our family, friends, and lovers. We take with us the accomplishments. We take with us the regrets... why would ANYONE want to take regrets? Yet, we do. Probably because it always looks like we can't pick up from our normal, safe, secure positions we are in life. We're scared. We're scared we will fail. We're scared we will succeed. I don't know about all of you, but I look at it all and I know I'll never fail. I may fall down. I may fall hard. I may break some bones, tear some skin, and have one hell of a scar. But scars are just a healed reminder of what happened. A scar is on the surface like a wrinkle on your face. It's there so that when someone says to you "what happened there?", you can tell them the story of what you went out to do and how you overcame and eventually accomplished what you wanted most in the world.

We tell our friends, our lovers, our children that they can go out and do anything and everything they want. That their dreams are in the palm of their hands. Well aren't ours? Why do we believe it true for everyone else but ourselves? We deserve our inner most dreams and desires too! I think we all need to stop giving ourselves excuses about money, jobs, security, ties, etc and just jump! I think we all need to take heed from James Dean... who at the age of 24 knew more about living and life than the majority of us. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring... so why not? All we know is what we have right now, right this second. I think we all need to "dream as if we'll live forever.... and live as if we'll die today."

Time is the cruelest teacher; first she gives the test, then teaches the lesson.

Tomorrow will be the 6 month mark. Half of 2010 has already passed. It's been quite an interesting year already to say the least. It may appear on the surface I haven't accomplished much... but looking at the person I was a year ago, even 6 months ago is a very different person. I learned a lot... I learned about others, myself, what I truly want, where I'm headed, and what I need to change to grasp everything I want. I use to think maybe you couldn't have it all. Love, a career, a family, and just being completely happy. I take that back. I think it is possible... it's just not the Disney "Happily Ever After". There isn't a time line. When I was little, I thought you had to have it all by 25. A career, married, kids, and a big white bow tying it all up into one. It doesn't work that way. I don't need to have it all figured out right now. I don't need to be married or have the career or the family (and thank God because I'd be MAJORLY behind). I can't keep beating myself up for mistakes or things that have happened. Not that I ever regret anything (because I don't believe in regrets) but I do get down on myself for where I am currently in life.

In these 6 months, I've learned so much. I finally grasped that this is my life. I don't need to have it all at this second. So what I don't have the killer career I want just yet... it will happen. Yes, I want a family... but I'm not ready... and that's ok, because it will happen. I am a good person and people have taken advantage of that... but I've cut a lot of poison out of my life and made some major life changing decisions recently. This is MY life... so why am I so worried about disappointing everyone else? Why do I waste my entire being, soul, and everything I have inside me on making everyone else happy? Who's making me happy? Who's looking out for what I want? Who's chasing my dreams?

This is my life. My world. I can do and have anything I want. Nobody's stopping me except myself. There's so many things I want to do, see, experience, conquer in this world and I deserve that. So if my life didn't/doesn't pan out the way I thought it would when I was five, that's ok. I had always dreamed as a kid I would grow up and marry Prince William and become Her Royal Highness Princess Makayla Tara Bishop of Wales. :-) Things change... dreams change... but everything I TRULY want in life is within my grasp. So I made a life changing decision and I'm going for it all! Because I deserve it all. These next 6 months of 2010 are full on! There's no looking back! The past is staying right where it is... in the past. The future... well, that's all mine and nobody can take that away. I've got 6 months to make it happen... and I will!